Another year gone by…

At what point in our lives do we go from being completely conscious of trying to make memories to having them? This first year sharing with you all on the blog and website has been therapeutic for sure. Although there is still so much work to do and I have so many more new ideas. We are reaching close to 18,600 people each month and still growing.

Journaling has always been a passion of mine. Today I share those thoughts instead of keeping them a secret. Has age made that difference?

I know for sure the therapy of journaling fulfilled a need for me in my teens and twenties. I have no idea why I stopped. Sharing it with all of you has become a passion that I didn’t know I had. Taking pictures is something that I have done all my life. I think I get that from my dad. He took so many pictures that I cherish today. Most of the pictures in this post he took. Each moment captured in time. Frozen. Some more beautiful than others, takes me back.

How is it that there are so many things we can remember so vividly, and then so many pieces drift into space. What is it about aging?

Today the clock strikes 48 years on earth. 48 trips around the sun!

I have no idea how I am 48 years old. As a teen I thought 48 was ancient. Believe me some days, if not most days, if I’m completely honest, I feel ancient. Getting off the sofa can be a real chore. Joints don’t move like they used too, especially in Wisconsin humidity.

How the mind ages…

When I look back I sometimes have a hard time. I remember feeling overweight most of my adult life. The pressure to be beautiful, and feel confident has always been there. To take care of yourself and present your best self for work, to find love, to find your place in the world, has always been something I strived to do or become.

I can honestly say I look at pictures and am disappointed in myself and how I viewed myself through other’s eyes. Although I really didn’t care what other people thought….deep down I did. Today at 48, just hours ago, I can finally say I don’t. I have released the hold that society asks you to have as a young red headed woman, and embraced self love. Mind you….I still have so much work to do, I have come light years from where I was as a young woman.

I would love to go back and have a serious conversation with myself about giving a “shit”, and consistently trying to please others! I’m pretty sure I would yell and elevate my voice. Just thinking about it…….I’m getting madder and madder with myself. I guess that’s the thing about aging? You “uncle” a little!

How the body ages…

Arthritis is creeping up, and my degenerative and torn knee’s really do hold me back physically. Yet there are also days when I feel like I’ve run a marathon, gone to work for 12 hours, cleaned the house, made a huge meal, done laundry, balanced the books, and still have energy to keep going. Ambition is a powerful force! The need and the want to do and get done as I age is fierce. Where was that organized, clean, and powerful need in my younger years?

Perfectionism runs in the family…

What is it about aging? I have become fussy as the day is long. I can’t let a dish sit in the sink, crap to lay on the floor, the bed be unmade, dust to sit…….the list is endless. Sometimes I have to literally tell myself to stop. I can not relax with lists of things to be done. It’s unnerving and gives me anxiety. I miss the carefree, fearless feeling of youth. I really really do!

I was fearless…in my younger years…

I love peace and quiet and I long for the sound of water. I can’t remember how I ever decided to get ready to head out for the evening at 9:00pm. Yet I can vividly remember what it feels like to have the wind in my hair, the sunroof open, disco ball dancing on the rear view mirror reflecting headlights, and singing to Cher at the top of my lungs ready to have the adventure of a lifetime.

Most nights I can honestly say I did…find adventure, make memories I still cherish, and dance the night away. From platforms floating from ceilings in NYC to clubs and lawns in Columbus, OH, we did have the time of our lives. I can remember coming home on the FDR at sunrise from the back of Harley thinking….”I had lived a dream.”

I had an amazing group of young professional friends in all the big cities I lived in. We sought out “the American dream” together for years! Although all of us have had some major bumps in the road, we have all found it, or our version of it. All in different ways. Each person I can say I still love with the bottom of my heart and would jump in front of a truck for, that has been with me on this life long journey has found peace in their own way.

I said to an associate at work recently I feel like I have lived a full life. If I was to meet my maker I think I could do it with a calm full heart. I have sewn my oats, planted my roots, succeeded in work, and yet I still feel like there is more to accomplish. I must admit what I see ahead has long dark days of physical pain and longing for family members I can’t imagine losing. What I struggle with is seeing the peaceful end of the dock that I so much want to call my own.

Tonight I told my in-laws about a premonition type dream I had this year. Telling more than my husband almost makes it real. What is the difference in seeing and really “seeing?” Seeing the future and carving it out are two different things. Taking BIG risks typically pays off. When you work as much as I do if it doesn’t……it’s soul crushing!

Finding balance as we age…

What is it about aging? How do we find balance in our older years? I think we have to consciously say NO more. I have to say NO more. I said it NO lol…….no more additions to the list. This year my resolution is to do for myself. It’s going to be really hard for me but I am going to starting working on it today. It’s 2:57am and I’m not doing very well LOL!

Getting older can feel like a task…

At what point in our lives do we feel 100% fulfilled and satisfied? Is that really such a thing? When did growing older start to feel like a task to survive instead of a feat in and of itself? I feel blessed to have made it this far. I don’t regret a thing I’ve done. Each decision brought me to today.

I do believe it’s time to slow down and work slower. Rest often, reflect more. Life is a challenge in 2021 that is for sure. What this next year brings is uncertain yet clear.

That’s the thing about aging. You need to leave behind those that hold you back, don’t hold you up, and bring you down. You need to reach out to those positive powers that support you. If you don’t believe in me I have left you behind. If you get in my way I have left you behind. If you hurt me deep I also did so. I learned and started this practice about 30 years old and have never felt lighter. The small circle I live within would have scared me 20 years ago and today I cherish it’s size.

Age brings clear that less is more. Smiles matter. Positive karma is real. Life is short. Family is forever! You can argue all day long until your blue in the face but at the end of the day love conquers all. The love that grows inside this small circle scares me with it’s strength. I am 100% an incredibly emotional person. I cry easily, feel intensely and love so deep it pierces the core of my soul. Even as I write that sentence tears fall.

Happy Birthday to me! I can’t believe how time has pasted. The strength I have found in my 48 years has been as much earned as found. The summer of 1973 was a dang good year………..I think this 48th is going to be even better.

Thanks for being here. Thanks for sharing! My deepest thanks for listening…….every ear helps!

Cheers to another trip around the sun ~ Amy